Jump to content
Strawberry Orange Banana Lime Leaf Slate Sky Blueberry Grape Watermelon Chocolate Marble
Strawberry Orange Banana Lime Leaf Slate Sky Blueberry Grape Watermelon Chocolate Marble

Canal World is currently fundraising. Please click here to find out more.

blackrose

Friday joke

Featured Posts

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years and breaks into a house to look for money.

 

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

 

While the convict's in the bathroom, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!

He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,

don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets

angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

 

His wife replies, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had

any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.'

Edited by blackrose

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

 

Please select from the following options menu:

 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

 

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

 

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

 

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

 

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

 

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

 

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

 

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

 

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

 

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

 

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

 

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

 

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week..

 

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

I've done my bit!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

 

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

 

 

MEN'S ENGLISH

 

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

 

And finally.....

 

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

Edited by I want a 'proper job'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Words Women Use

 

Fine

 

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

 

Five Minutes

 

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

 

Nothing

 

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

 

Go Ahead

 

This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

 

Loud Sigh

Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing".

 

That's Okay

 

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

 

Thanks

 

This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation.

They send an Englishmen, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island and arrange to come back and pick them up in a year’s time and see how they have adapted.

The sociologists leave and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves.

I’m an engineer says the Englishman “So I’ll handle building a shelter”.

He turns to the Frenchman and says, “You French are pretty good cooks – why don’t you handle the cooking?”

The Frenchman agrees, and the Englishman turns to the Japanese man “That leaves you to organise the supplies” he says.

The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks.

A year passes and the sociologist return to see how the men have coped.

They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies.

The Englishman comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says, “yeah well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up”.

The team are amazed and shown inside to the kitchen where they’re greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food.

The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs “I had lots to work with” he says, “This island has loads of edible herbs and plants”.

The team sits down to eat and about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man.

“Oh we don’t know what happened to him” explains the Englishman, he ran off into the woods to sort out supplies and hasn’t been seen since”.

They all agree that they should find the man, and a search party is organised.

They make about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with half a coconut on his head, and peacock feathers sticking out of his arse, and shouts

SUPPLIES

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious

Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent asked

'What are you selling' here

One of the men replied sarcastically,

'We're selling a**e-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said,

'You are doing well ... Only two left!'

Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with Scotsmen

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

HERE ARE SOME ACTUAL LABEL INSTRUCTIONS ON CONSUMER GOODS:

 

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

 

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

 

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be ...how??)

 

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

 

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

 

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought??...)

 

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

 

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

 

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and..I'm taking this because???....)

 

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...?)

 

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.).... (Ok, It was supposed to be translated as "to be used for intended use only" basically meaning…"don't use your food processor as a lawn mower or wood chipper. : )

 

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash).

 

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

 

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (Don't blame the company , blame the parents for this one.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

 

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

 

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

 

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

 

"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

 

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

 

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.

 

They have a wonderful, wonderful time and finaly, exhausted they fall asleep in each others arms.

 

Since it was now 8:00 am, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been so incredible !

 

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

 

"No," she replies. . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You just happened to catch my eye." :lol:

  • Greenie 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two squirrels sitting near each other in a pub, it's quite packed so there's a fair amount of noise around them.

 

Suddenly one shouts to the other, "I slept with you mother!"

 

The whole pub goes silent to see the other squirrel's response, but he just stares forward.

 

A deathly hush ensues. The same squirrel shouts again, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"

 

Another long silence follows until finally the other squirrel replies, "dad, go home, you're drunk".

 

----------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Two hunters walking through the woods, suddenly one drops to the floor, his eyes roll to the back of his head and he stops breathing.

 

Thinking quickly the other hunter whips out his mobile and calls the ambulance, he gets through to the other end and hears, "hello, what the nature of the emergancy?"

 

"My friend has just collapsed, I think he's dead, what should I do?"

 

"Right, first you have to make sure he's dead"

 

"Okay", there's short pause, then...

 

BANG!!!

 

"He's dead, what should I do now?"

Edited by Divum Draconis

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A middle-aged husband and wife, both smartly dressed, were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later.

 

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

 

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

 

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

 

"I can certainly understand that," her husband answers, "But remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours and I'll respect it."

 

Just then, a mutual friend of theirs’ enters the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

 

"That's Jim's mistress," says her husband.

 

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It has just been confirmed on the lunchtime news that the British weather has converted to Islam.

Partly sunni but mostly shiite.

  • Greenie 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Here we go:

 

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

 

After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replies Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."

"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"WHY?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'

'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Gordon Brown went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course the Camerons wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! Cameron stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Cameron thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers.

 

Two holes further on Cleggs wife caught her foot on a mole hill, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! Clegg stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her lack of nether garments. "Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that Clegg thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a fiver go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

 

Three holes further on Browns wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn't wearing any knickers! Brown stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that Brown thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a bit!"

  • Greenie 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

 

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my

husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes

up with a suggestion:

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet

paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

 

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror,

rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

 

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day

will make my breasts larger over the years?"

 

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your ar*e, didn't it?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I thought you might like this ,not quite a joke but still funny.

 

UPS 'Fix It' Requests

 

Just in case you need a laugh - remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one, reassurance for those of us who fly routinely.

 

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

 

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

 

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit

 

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

 

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

 

 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

 

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

 

 

And the best one for last.................

 

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Computer Tech Support

 

 

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one!

 

 

=================================

 

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

 

Female customer: A white one...

 

===============

 

 

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

 

 

===============

 

 

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

 

 

===============

 

 

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

 

 

===============

 

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

 

============== =

 

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

 

 

===============

 

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

 

===============

 

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

 

===============

 

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

 

== =============

 

Customer: can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

 

===============

 

 

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

 

===============

 

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

 

===============

 

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

 

===============

 

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

 

===============

 

And last but not least...

 

Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

IRISH LOVE STORY

 

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering

the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled

the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the

stairs.

 

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself

from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his

way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort,

gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled

downstairs.

 

With laboured breath, he leaned against the

door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for

death's agony, he would have thought himself already

in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen

table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

 

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from

his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it

that he left this world a happy man?

 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself

towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled

posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a

scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly

smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon

 

 

F**k off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years and breaks into a house to look for money.

 

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

 

While the convict's in the bathroom, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!

He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,

don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets

angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

 

His wife replies, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had

any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.'

good one love it

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Stag night weekend`s in Austria have nose dived since it emerged that Austrian fathers really do lock up there daughters

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:-

 

2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases,the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.

 

'The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

 

The Drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

blonde girl struggling with a jigsaw puzzle asks her boyfriend for help"its supposed to be a tiger she says"

He has a lookk and replies"put the frosties back in the box dear

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Brunette goes to the doctors, says "Doctor, my body hurts everywhere I touch it".

 

She goes on to demonstrate, touches her knee and winces, touches her shoulder and shrieks with pain.

 

Doctor says "You're not really a brunette are you? Your finger's broken".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man pops his round the door in a Hells Angels pub and in a squeeky voice says " who`s is the big rottweiler tied up outside"

Big hairy biker said " Mine , why? "

" Well my poodle has just killed it" He answered, voice trembling

"Killed my Satan" shouts the biker " HOW"

" Choked on it"

 

Another doggy one.

 

 

A German Shepard and a Jack Russel in waiting room at the vets.

GS says to JR " what you here for then? "

JR " check up, you? "

GS " well, the next door bitch is on heat which of course got me all flustered"

JR " know what you mean, and? "

GS " the mistress brought me in, so was having a stroll round the house trying to keep me mind off next door "

JR " chewed something up in frustration? "

GS " nah, was upstairs and had a look inside the bathroom, there was the mistress stark naked, bending over the bath. Well the state I was in just could`nt resist could I"

JR " so you here to be put down then"

GS " nah........ nails clipped "

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished locals and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my tackle unscathed.

 

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

 

The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone £100 who's willing to give it a try.'

 

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a Blonde woman timidly spoke up.

 

'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit ME on the head so hard with the bottle....'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×