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mattlad

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mattlad last won the day on October 10 2012

mattlad had the most liked content!

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About mattlad

  • Birthday 01/08/63

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Worcestershire

Previous Fields

  • Occupation
    Company Director
  • Boat Name
    N.B. May
  • Boat Location
    Staffs & Worcs

Contact Methods

  • Website URL
    http://www.russellnewbery.co.uk/index.html

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  1. Friday joke

    The rain was pouring down. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.. A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?" "Fishing" replied the old man. Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me." In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a smart ass, cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?" "You're the eighth", says the old man.
  2. Break-ins on Shroppie near Brewood

    Just make sure it is hot, salty and your bed is rock 'ard.
  3. Daily maintenance on RN engines

    Don't forget a squirt of oil in the governor.
  4. Friday joke

    A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest garage, pulls up with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out." Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone. After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?" The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."
  5. Old sayings.

    Don't know about The Navy but in our family we've described seagulls as shite hawks for as long as I can remember!
  6. Friday joke

    Hugh Heffner:- Police investigating the Playboy founder's death, suspect foreplay Singlehandedly responsible for so many young men doing things singlehandedly!
  7. Old sayings.

    One of my grandmother's :- Dem as cor, cor, con 'em. Dem as con, con, cor 'em. He / She's got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp...... Another one of grandmother's : - "It's a bit black over the back of Bill's mother's!"
  8. Friday joke

    After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, Michael O’Leary, went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary." Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England". "That is remarkable value", Michael comments. "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please." O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1." "I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please". Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame". "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir". O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3." O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager". "I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please." O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?" "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary." "I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!" "Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof". "I will never use this bar again". "OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
  9. Route planning software:

    I've also used RCR's RCR's route planner in the past.
  10. Tv

    Just got back from a weeks boating. Didn't watch any TV. Barely listened to the radio for more than a few minutes. Can't say I missed it....... Used a little bit of internet. Just busy doing stuff!
  11. All time worst ever movies

    I thought it was Roger Moore? Whatever, it's not my favourite film......
  12. We're currently carrying out essential maintenance work on Canal World. We apologise for any inconvenience at this time.
  13. School customs and language.

    I absolutely HATED my time at boarding school, it really did nothing positive for me and 35 years after leaving I'm still having trouble coming to terms with some of the things that went on. The main memories I have are of unremitting boredom, mind crushing routine, bullying, (a few) sadistic teachers dishing out unwarranted punishments, absolutely dreadful food, loneliness...... I'm not saying there weren't lighter moments but they were few and far between. Like you we did have customs and language, I can't remember all of them (hardly any in fact) some of the things you mention had a different meaning at my school. Dossing for example, was a free period, as in "What lesson have you got next?" "Oh, double doss." Douling. This was what was called "fagging" at a lot of other public schools, where junior pupils had to run errands and do jobs for senior pupils. "Binning" this had different meanings between the junior and senior schools for some reason. In the juniors to be given a binning was when someone had placed a wastepaper bin on the top of a part open door, and of course someone walking through would end up with the bin landing on their head. In the seniors a binning was literally being put in a dustbin that was then slid under a shelf, making escape somewhere between extremely difficult and impossible....... Laundry Chute. We used to have these large wicker baskets into which the laundry was separated prior to going to be washed. Some hapless pupil would be bundled into the basket, the lid closed and fastened for launch down the stairs. Heeling. This was where one pupil would walk up to another, put his one heel behind the heel of the other boy and push him over backwards. There was one guy at school who used to love doing this, and he must have got most of the boys at school including me a few times. He tried to do me once too often and I pushed sooner / harder and he went over, his head cracking on the floor with the most awful "thunk". Looking on the bright side I never saw him do it to anyone again....... What you called a Suck we called a Sucker. Small difference! Grace. We used to say grace before every meal but in this case it was for new pupils who were given Two Weeks Grace so they could learn the rules, the routine and everything else they needed to know about the way the school worked without getting punished if they got lost / late / inadvertently transgressed the rules. Pupils with two weeks grace were given a shadow who was a boy from the next year up who had to show the new boy where to go and what to do. If you got a good shadow you were okay but if you got a bad 'un he would set you up for a fall...... Gating / Gated. This was a punishment. It meant that you were not allowed to leave the school grounds. To be gated, even for a few days was considered to be worse than getting six of the best. I'm sure there were plenty of others but my memory of my schooldays has been deleted!
  14. Friday joke

    A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old female patient for most of her life finally retired. At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realised Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs Smith, do you realise these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night" "Mrs Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night!" You got to love Grandmas.......
  15. Changing antifreeze

    Auld guy I drink with used to work for Midland Red and tells me that they never used anti-freeze in their busses because they were never switched off for long enough to cool down. When Midland Red were taken over the new management gave orders to put anti-freeze in and it all turned out to be a bit of a disaster, with burst hoses, blown head-gaskets, you name it it failed!
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