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How to make coffee on a boat


Starcoaster

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I didn't name you in my list, but I was certainly 'naming' you when I couldn't get the effing thing off! biggrin.gif

Oh Starry, you do get in some pickles!

My gas bottle spanner I first bought to fit the rear axle nut on my Royal Enfield Bullet 500. Fits the gas bottle perfect and is nice and long.

Use a Cona.

Edited by Lady Muck
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"Satan's wheelbarrow" :lol: :lol: :lol: I'm crying with laughter!

 

Starry, you've missed your true vocation! You should be a professional writer! :cheers:

 

 

There is a tongue-in cheek look at the role of the wheelbarrow on the waterways in the June edition of Canals rivers + boats

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I have spotted a number of ommisions, which I thought might have been picked up earlier.

 

There is no mention of a bean grinder. Do we deduct that you drink (cough) instant (cough) "coffee"?

 

What is this "cream'' , for which you need to venture outside?

 

And how many pairs of shoes, for specific duties, do you have?

 

 

We must be told...

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Liked it Star.

 

I hope there are plenty of readers.

I have a calander with daily quotes. Todays quote : - "Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself" --- Jane Bryant Quinn

What a coincidence .... my calendar (The New Yorker - full of so called American humour which only works about once a week) had the same quote on the back of Monday's cartoon ;)

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:lol: I only started drinking coffee about a month ago, I only have it now and then but when I fancy it I REALLY want it lol.

Though it would be more accurate to say that 'I like a bit of coffee to go with my sugar and cream' than that I drink real coffee.

And I never really like it when anyone else makes it!

Instant coffee is nasty muck! I buy the ready ground stuff you put in a cafetiere. It was only coming up to 5pm so a bit early for alcohol, as I cooked a roast last night too. I suppose I am mainly grateful the gas went off when I was making coffee (and the marina office was still open) than a bit later with a full roast in the oven!

I had to cull my shoe collection dramatically when I moved aboard. Now I only have two plastic boxes full of them, and of course the four pairs I keep by the door for daily usage.

Yes Chris, feel free to stick it on the wall if you like! :blush:

Edited by Starcoaster
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It was only coming up to 5pm so a bit early for alcohol

 

:blink:

 

So, for the avoidance of doubt, are you saying that your coke was NOT fortified with Bacardi? I thought that you had to add alcohol to Coke to neutralise the poison...

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Very good! but be glad you have a marina with gas available to buy and fixy men about the place!

 

When I changed my 19kg bottle the other day I had to

- ring up the local gas bottle suppliers, arrange delivery,

- ring the City Council, arrange loan of the vehicle access key for the Common,

- go get the key from the other side of town,

- wait for the gas truck to arrive,

- let him in, lock up the gate behind him,

- hitch a ride in the cab of the truck to my boat,

- and then discover that despite very clearly asking for a LOW NECK 19kg bottle, they've brought a HIGH NECK one which doesn't fit in my gas locker!!!

 

But despite not having got the gas, had to ride to the gate, let him out and return the key to the office the other side of town as well as arrange for a correct gas bottle!

Edited by Black Ibis
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  • 3 months later...

1. Consider if you might perhaps not prefer a glass of coke, decide against. Put the coffee in the pot, and prepare spoon, sugar and mug.

 

2. Put on sensibly soled shoes, climb off the boat, walk round to the front cratch, retrieve cream from the ‘cool box,’ return inside, remove sensible shoes and put slippers back on.

 

3. Turn on system water, attempt to fill kettle.

 

4. Are you sure you wouldn’t really rather have a glass of coke?

 

5. Put on sensibly soled shoes, climb off the boat, attach hose pipe to tap, climb onto front of boat, fill water tank, return inside, remove sensible shoes and put slippers back on.

 

6. Fill kettle.

 

7. Turn on hob, light gas, place kettle on to boil.

 

8. Play on the internet for ten minutes while kettle boils.

 

9. Glance at hob after 15 minutes when it occurs to you that the kettle has not started to whistle yet- Get up and check why there’s no flame on the gas ring.

 

10. Turn gas ring on and off a couple of times, thinking of the fact you’ve been smelling that ‘end of gas bottle’ smell for a few days now and wilfully ignoring it.

 

11. Curse gas ring, kettle, cold water, the cost of bottled gas, and your own lack of foresight at replacing the empty spare bottle yesterday when it occurred to you.

 

12. Bet that glass of coke’s looking pretty good right about now, no?

 

13. Put on sensibly soled shoes, go onto stern deck, and heave the unconnected spare but empty bottle out of locker, put on pontoon.

 

14. Unfold wheely trolley that’s been good for the whole winter at carrying the cassette, 25kg bags of coal and all your rubbish with room to spare, and realise right away that gas bottle is too big to fit into it.

 

15. Wander down pontoon to boat that always has a wheel barrow in its well deck, knock and ask to borrow it.

 

16. Dither for five minutes wondering if they’d mind if you borrowed it anyway as they’re clearly not in and would very likely not mind at all.

 

17. Can I interest you in a glass of coke?

 

18. Decide to err on the side of caution and leave wheelbarrow where it is, pick up empty 13kg bottle and carrydragpushcurse it the ten minute walk to the marina office.

 

19. Return empty gas bottle, buy new one, put it in communal usage office wheelbarrow, start trip back.

 

20. Curse the wheelbarrow, its forbearers, its future offspring, and whoever used it last and neglected to mention to the office that the tyre is as flat as a pancake.

 

21. Push Satan’s wheelbarrow the ten minute walk back to the boat.

 

22. Try to control facial expression when running into the owner of the aforementioned privately owned wheelbarrow who is now on her boat and merrily calls out to you “oh that one from the office is awful, you should have just taken mine!”

 

23. Unloaded heavy-arsed full gas bottle from Satan’s wheelbarrow, wheel Satan’s wheelbarrow back to the marina office. Walk back to boat.

 

24. Turn on deck light, fight heavy-arsed full gas bottle into the (above deck level) gas locker, bang head on gear lever, think again about relative merits of a glass of coke.

 

25. Turn open/ close dial on empty- but connected- gas bottle in order to remove it.

 

26. Look askew at connected valve, vaguely remember being told when shown how to change the bottle a few weeks ago that you don’t have the correct spanner for it. Remember thinking to self back in the mists of time ‘I must buy one of those’ and curse self, repeatedly and with some colour.

 

27. Dig in tool kit for the spanners you do have, try all three of them, Get mightily pissed off.

 

28. Walk to neighbouring boat, acquire loan of appropriate spanner.

 

29. Smile in short- lived satisfaction at comfortable fit of the correct spanner, try to turn nut.

 

30. Frown a little bit, vaguely remember being told that ‘something’ on the boat needs turning the opposite way to normal nuts and bolts, try both ways repeatedly without success.

 

31. Climb back onto boat, remove sensibly soled shoes, boot up laptop.

 

32. Search YouTube for video guidance of how to change a gas bottle.

 

33. Source eight minute clip called “how to change a gas bottle,” sit down to watch.

 

34. Buffering...

 

35. Buffering...

 

36. Skip through first few steps as they are all about manual handling and have feck all to do with changing a gas bottle.

 

37. Buffering...

 

38. At 7 minutes 33 seconds into the eight minute video, blink and miss five second clip where the guy disconnects the empty bottle. Rewind, watch again, be assured of correct direction to turn spanner.

 

39. Put sensibly soled shoes back on, climb back out to gas locker, attach spanner and give it some welly. Call self various unflattering names and resolve to work on some wrist strengthening exercises.

 

40. Look at clock, observe it’s ten to five. Hover at back of boat for ten minutes, wait for one of the marina fixy men who finish work at 5pm to walk past and flag them down.

 

41. 5.05pm, Bat eyelids at unimpressed marina fixy man who good naturedly agrees to help remove the stuck fast, impossible to remove, tighter than a duck’s arse valve release, and indeed manages to do so in under three seconds.

 

42. Tell marina fixy man to ‘ask another day’ when he queries in passing how you are liking living on a boat so far.

 

43. Finally connect up new bottle.

 

44. Return borrowed spanner.

 

45. Try to light gas ring. Lose will to live.

 

46. Remember turning off all the internal gas line switch thingies at the advice of the earlier YouTube video, turn them back on again. Finally ignite gas. HALLELUJAH!

 

47. Realise how much fecking hard work this whole procedure was and how much running around it entailed. Realise that you are actually quite dehydrated now and don’t really fancy a hot drink.

 

48. Get glass of coke.

 

 

While reading Septembers issue of the waterways world came on an article on page 77 that sounded very familiar , checked back and found it was starcoasters, so I ask myself is starcoaster writing for waterway world under the name Polly ------, or has she had her idea ripped off.

 

I wonder

Edited by Lady Muck
remove surname at user request
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so I ask myself is starcoaster writing for waterway world under the name Polly----------, or has she had her idea ripped off.

 

I wonder

Starcoaster is indeed Polly.

 

The name is inappropriate, however, having spent an afternoon boating in constant drizzle with her and not once did she put the kettle on. :(

Edited by Lady Muck
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Starcoaster is indeed Polly.

 

The name is inappropriate, however, having spent an afternoon boating in constant drizzle with her and not once did she put the kettle on. :(

 

 

So will we be takeing our life in our hands if we call her polly put the kettle on .

 

:cheers:

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I reckon in ten year's time Carl's still going to be telling the story of the four hour trip in the pissing rain with no tea!

In my defence, I didn't even have a kettle at that point, nevermind tea bags and milk... ah, what a rookie boater I was.

I did provide beer before we set off though, is that worth some points?

 

WW did use this second piece from me with permission, and there will also be a short piece on the recent Alvecote festival in the next edition of WW bearing my name too.

"Buy it, it's dead good." :D

 

Ps, if anyone who has written/ quoted my full name would be kind enough to remove at least my surname I'd appreciate it... An uncomfortable incident last year that ended in crown court with me giving evidence against a nasty and rather persistent individual who felt it appropriate to deal with a dispute using a machete and consequently had myself and my family followed by a private detective in order to try and dig up some dirt on me to justify his actions have made me rather keen to keep my life with boats protected from him and that particular time of my life if at all possible.

Edited by Starcoaster
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I can confirm that not only does Star now own a kettle, she also makes a darn good cuppa of earl grey which kept me going whilst working on the sparkly shiny shower.

I also used up her supply of PG tips tea bags as I tend to do 10 hour days with 10 cups of tea whilst working.

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